Can it all be so simple..?

I had the past few days off. As i prepare to go back to work, I can’t help but feel as if I didn’t spend my time wisely. I stayed at home, watched T.V., listened to music, surfed the internet and hung out with some friends. This seems like a pretty typical thing to do, and it is for that reason that I feel unsatisfied. I feel like I need to be creating something with my time. Something that I can look back on at the end of day and be proud of. A perpetual, sustaining sense of sustenance.

By creating something form is given to eternity.  


DP Challenge: Transcendental Pizza


I work in a restaurant and as such, most often eat lunch there. I consider myself one of the lucky one’s. Although I certainly pride myself in the food I prepare for others, it is in my own personal concoctions that I am most proud of. Today it was a simple lunch, a cheese pizza. There is something beautiful about pizza. It is the perfect amalgamation of bread, cheese and sauce.

As I sit here, eating this pizza, I realize how much of this experience is predicated upon by pattern. From how I hold the slice, to the amount of food I fit into each bite. Or how I dip each bite in ranch while casually glancing through the newspaper as I sip on water. I think I realize this now because I am doing something different. I am thinking about eating and how I do it, rather than just doing it. For some reason I feel more involved now.

The sauce becomes richer, tangier.

Everything becomes still.

I dip my slice in ranch and realize

I have yet to have my fill.  

A Birthday Memoir


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I used to always make sure to at least write something on my birthday. A little note, a phrase or two to commemorate the day. It is good to reflect on the life that we lead. Birthdays seem to be an appropriate time to do so.

If you were to look at every birthday message I have ever sent myself you would notice a theme. It isn’t a happy one, though it isn’t too sad. There is certainly some anger, but underneath all of that emotion there is someone who has struggled all their life with the concept of identity. We are taught as children that when we grow up we are going to be these awesome people with these awesome lives and everything is going to be so much easier.

For as long as I can remember every time I look in the mirror I ask myself am I there yet. I can’t help it. I look at the world around me and I see all these people that seem to fit. When I look at myself all I am ever able to see is how I don’t. I keep telling myself that if I do this or say that it will change something, but after 32 years.. You would think it should have happened by now.

I feel a crossroad is upon me. When I see these people that seem to fit, it is because they stopped trying. They allowed themselves to be defined by the things that have happened in their own lives. When that happens the struggle, doesn’t stop, but becomes ignored to the point that people stop becoming aware of the reasons their life became what it is. I believe that is the reason for so much strife in the world.

We all want change, but are unable to see how we can. So that desire for things to be different gets projected onto our external world. After 32 years I can see that changing things this way isn’t going to work.

My feelings are there for a reason. A pattern has been created. Most people define themselves by this pattern and become trapped in a mental construct. Do we exist outside our minds perception of things? You ever change how you look at something, or look back at something that happened and realize that you are no longer affected the way that you used to be? I believe that outside the framework of the mind exists a reality that changes with every breath, thought and whisper. Our mind interprets this reality, but doesn’t own it.

If something exists outside our perception of it, i think that means that there are an infinite variety of ways to experience it. You look at the world today, and sure, its easy to accept that fact. However, what is not easy to accept is the idea that each of us, lies the capacity to truly be all of us. All it would take is for us to take off our masks and see that we are whatever we choose to believe we are.

That is my birthday wish and the reality I will create for myself this year.